Ludington Daily News Posted: 2-7-2007Harold E. Reuter • Mr. Harold E. Reuter, 75, of Walhalla, passed away on Tuesday, Feb. 6 at his home. Wyman Funeral & Cremation Services, Inc. Stephens Funeral Home in Scottville is in charge of arrangements. Post a Tribute Date published: 2-7-2007 � 2002 Ludington Daily News.
Strange feeling getting the news of my former step-fathers death. My pre-teen and teenage years were quite rocky following the death of my father and I often wished as well as spoke the words to the step-father, "Drop dead!" Now, he did, after fighting a losing battle with Alzheimer’s. After years of not seeing him or hardly thinking about him, the time has now come to stop in my tracks and look square in the face of the past at what I've long tried to bury. Feelings.
What were my feelings? MY feelings? They have been so polluted by how others felt about Hal or how they thought I should have felt about him that I always went to the place I knew only so well...denial. Quiet, dark and almost peaceful. Denial allowed sleep and permitted me to stay out of arguments. Not that I wasn't used to arguing, but as I grew up and left home, I was trying to get more in control of my life and fighting was not part of it anymore. Still, I didn't know how to stand up for myself, so I put this part of my life on a shelf in order to deal with it later.
One time, Hal sent me a plane ticket home for Christmas. Of course, Mom and he were getting their divorce and I was feeling very torn. I wondered, "Why after all the fighting that we did, was he being nice?" He bought me some beautiful ruby earrings for Christmas. I didn't know how to receive them or the niceness this man was showing me. The following year, he came to Texas to see me. It was so odd. "What does he want from me?" We had ice cream, went out to eat and had a very pleasant time.
But then the divorce got bad between Mom and him and of course, I chose to take sides. There was no pursuing relationship with this man. I ran as fast as I could into my safe place called denial and didn't deal with it again.
Many years later, after I got saved, the Lord instructed me on forgiveness. There were many people I had to forgive for some terrible things done to me. He had me forgive Hal for all of the fighting we did and laid it on my heart to write him a letter. I put it off and put it off, scared of reconciling a relationship of which I was not in control. In my heart, I extended forgiveness, but Hal didn't know it. I don't know what he ever thought about me after that last visit in Texas.
When we moved back to Muskegon, I often thought of driving the 60 miles to his house, but never did it; once again, fear of man ruled my heart. I know that I've changed in the years since I've seen him, surely he'd changed too.
Maybe, just maybe he wanted to be friends. Now, I'll never know.
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